I Remember Banding
dodada~DOODAA dododooo

"Hey Graybutt I got these new ca….what the hell is that?”

Don’t even tell me you little bastards today never heard of Final Fantasy?

"You mean like Tidus and Lightning?”

%$&*&@#-!  NO not like stupid “TeeeDUs ” and your newfangled “three dimensional graphics”!  REAL Final Fantasy!

"These graphics are pretty bad.  This game sucks!  How is this related to Magic Cards?"

Just look at that set Rise of Eldrazi, you have creatures that can level up now!

"Oh yeah!  Those are my new cards!  I brought them over to show you!  These guys are kind of like that ‘Figure of Destiny' from that old school set Eventide.”

Old schoo-?!  Before you give me another stroke, lemme see your doods.

When Kozilek was first spoiled (click the eye)for Rise of Eldrazi you KNEW these guys were going to overshadow EVVEERRRYYYTTHING else the set had to offer, I mean, just look at them!

In order to fight this new threat to Zendikar, the denizens had to team up and heroes had to rise to the occasion.

This seems pretty cool.  It’s like I’m leveling my doods in Final Fantasy and other RPGs.  dodada~DOODAA dododooo

Oh…

These guys were like…the party members you DIDN’T want to use in a role-playing game.  Locke?  What’s he gonna do, steal a potion?  That guy sucks, gimme Cyan or Sabin.

Look at Null Champion.  2 mana to drop.  Let’s say you drop it 2nd turn.  Next turn drop your land, level up once, he’s now a 4/2.  Ok, that Runeclaw Bear is not impressed.  Let’s spend SIX MORE MANA to level up him to…level…three…and still do nothing…wow, where did my mana go?  He’s stil a 4/2 and that Runeclaw Bear is still laughing at him.  How much mana have I infested so far?  11?  For a 4/2?!

Let’s look at a rare.  Kazandu Tuskcaller seems cool.  Getting tokens is always fun.  Let’s drop her second turn.  Sejiri Merfolk is not amused.  So I better level her up twice on my third turn since EVERY GREEN DECK should have Llanowar Elves first turn.  Sweet, two levels and I got a token for those stupid Sejiri Merfolk.  Next turn I’m gonna level her up two more times…oh…she just got bounced…wow…what a waste of mana.  How much mana was that?  10?  For a 1/1 and a 3/3 token?  HRMMMMMMM.  This looks familar…like BORIS DEVILBOON FAMILIAR?!  9 mana for a 2/2 and a 1/1 token!?  Holy crap we regressed back to legends!

Do these levelers ever give me a return for my investment?  How about Lord of Shatterskull Pass?  I guess a 6/6 for 6 mana is decent enough, let’s rock.

….ok let me level up my minotaur some mor…wait a minute…I need to spend TEN more mana only to get a vanilla 6/6?…I don’t think I read that right.  Let me get my reading glasses out…

I need to spend TWELVE mana to do ANYTHING with him, AND he stays a 6/6?!  For a grand total of SIXTEEN MANA?!  Sweet titty sprinkles, I never thought I’d say this but Jedit Ojanen is looking pretty good right about now!

Yeah, I know rares aren’t created equal, but shitnuggets!  My main problem with these guys is they aren’t refined enough and REALLY shouldn’t exist.  Especially in the same set as those ELDRAZI!  Look at all these guys who I just dumped mana into levels of just…NOTHINGNESS…

When I level up PERIOD, I’m supposed to get STRONGER.  What if a Final Fantasy character had to gain 3 levels before you see their stats raise?  You’d be mad as hell!  This is no different!  This is more like…”setting the foundation to get stronger” which just doesn’t work in magic!  Obviously there are limits to card text which is fine but…damn, 12(15) mana just to get a Lightning Crafter?

"Hey wait a second…you’re not being fair!  There’s stuff like Venerated Teacher, Training Grounds, and that doppelganger guy.  You can combo those with the levelers to cheat on mana!  I bet you didn’t even look at the set!”

Kid, remember how I schooled you on how bad the first legendary creatures were?  That was 17 YEARS ago and now we got stuff like Boggart Ram-Gang, Bloodbraid Elf, Baneslayer Angel, Kitchen Finks, Putrid Leech, Leatherback Baloth, Woolly Thoctar, etc.  These levelers felt like 17 steps back. 

"Well maybe they weren’t made for people like you, Mr. Grouchy Face!"

You’re right, they’re not.  Who were they made for?

Johnny doesn’t care about these guys.  He’s to busy with trying to “express himself” by decking you in one turn with Hedron Crab.

Spike won’t even GLANCE at them.  He has his planeswalkers and Frost Titan.

Timmy has his hands full with Eldrazi from the same set.

Melvin’?  ‘Melvin' is upstairs worrying about the layer rules for Krosan Tusker and Yixlid Jailer.

That leaves ‘VorthossSssSssch’.  ‘Vorthos' is in the basement putting them in his binder next to his weatherlight crew collection.

Wait….really?  Cards made for someone’s BINDER?  Why not make the levelers creature type ally in addition to whatever else they were?  Allies were just introduced in the same block!  CONTINUE THE BLOCK TREND!  They’ll be rotated out of standard soon enough anyway.  How about those stupid creatures with defender?  Is that it for rebound?  I thought I was trying to rise to the occasion to fight this ELDRAZI menance? 

"But…but my cards…"

Gimme those, I need to use the crapper.  Gain some levels in Final Fantasy or something.